How EMDR Helps You Find Your Purpose After Fear and Failure

Being brave enough to risk failure is often the first step toward finding your purpose, and for many people, EMDR therapy is what finally makes that step possible.

What does it really mean to be brave?

Being a business owner has taught me bravery. Well, really, it has taught me failure. Repeatedly. I had no idea that failure was going to become my friend, my guide.

“Without bravery you’re lives will be small, far smaller than you want it to be” Jack Gilbert

Be brave. You will keep suffering until you say yes. You might suffer either way, whether you're consumed by the what ifs or taking risks that keep you up at night. In my experience, I would rather take the risk. I don't want a small life. I want to make an impact. I want to change the world. That sounds so cliché, but I mean it.

When I was a little girl, I used to look at myself in the mirror and think, "if only they knew how powerful I will be." I carried that thought about myself my whole life: I will be great.

As I write this, I feel vulnerable. It's risky putting this out into the world. But to hell with it, it's true. Being great, to me, is simple. I want to make huge ripples in society for the better. I want to help create a space for hundreds of people to heal.

“Do you have the courage to bring forth this work? The treasures that are hidden inside of you hope are hoping that you will say yes” Jack Gilbert

If you want a full life, if you want to make a difference, you have to take risks, and potentially risk it all. Opening this practice, I had to accept that I could lose everything: my license, our savings, all of it. Sometimes that keeps me up at night. It doesn't stop me.

Why failure is part of the story, not the end of it

Failure gets to be a part of your story. It just does. Being successful means you have failed, probably hundreds of times. I can't and won't count how many things I've tried that have failed. And I promise you, failure is waiting for me again.

I've learned that failure is my guide. When I move in a direction and it fails, or I'm pushing up against a brick wall, I adjust. I tried, it failed, it's not budging, so it's not mine. I have to shift.

When I graduated with my bachelor's, I had big dreams of success as a psychologist. Fancy office, silk slacks every day, plenty of money. I had it all mapped out. Then I couldn't score high enough on the GRE to get into the PhD program. I took it once, did okay, studied like hell, took it again, and scored the exact same score. I was devastated. Self-loathing, "I'm stupid, I don't deserve anything good" kind of devastated. I lived there for two years, terrified to try again, until I finally woke up out of that stupor and dusted myself off.

So, I couldn't score well on a standardized test. Being a psychologist must not have been my calling; there was something else for me. And there was, something even better, I'd argue. I kept moving and found a degree that didn't need that test and gave me every option I needed to help move me in the direction that was mine, helping to heal. That was always the real dream, not a specific degree. And for the record, I do have two pairs of silk slacks now.

Your purpose doesn't have to look a certain way

When I work with people in therapy, we talk about dharma: your purpose, your calling. What are you here for? How do you impact others and the world for the better? Find that. Move toward it. Anything that gets in the way isn't for you, and holding onto it will only cause you to suffer.

You don't need a fancy job to help people:

A workplace manager can make a huge impact simply through how they lead their team.
A bartender can help the people they serve just by being kind and welcoming. I did this for years.
A stay-at-home parent raises the next generation, creating a ripple effect that reaches thousands of people over time.
A working parent models hard work and a loving home while still following their own dream.

Your purpose doesn't need to make you money. It just needs to be yours.

An example of purpose close to home

My favorite example of purpose is my husband. He has a lot of different gifts, but my favorite is his ability to be a friend. I've never met someone with his capacity for friendship. He loves people hard, and he loves them with all their quirks and mistakes. He shows up with consistency, always ready to have fun and laugh. He's taught me more about friendship than anyone I've ever met. He has changed lives simply through his ability to be a steady friend.